How to Survive Your Reason to Live
by Evelyn-Sunshine
Summary: He lost everything in one night. He's spent every night after that remembering what he'd lost.
1. Ghost of the Past

The blue around the morning moon  
  
The colour of your eyes  
  
I remember holding you  
  
Fall through summer skies  
  
You're everything that I've become, every word I say  
  
I need a bell, book, and candle to keep your ghost away  
  
`  
  
White horses on a troubled sea  
  
Your smile will flash through time  
  
Up ahead a blackbird's wing  
  
Your hair will come to mind  
  
Every night I see your face when I have to pray  
  
I need a bell, book, and candle to keep your ghost away  
  
`  
  
Keep your ghost away, keep your ghost away  
  
I need a bell, book, and candle to keep your ghost away  
  
~~~~~  
  
Sirius looked up to see a very familiar looking young woman walking towards him. Her long black hair moved back and worth in front of her face with the gentle wind. She sat down next to him and he watched at her cautiously.  
  
"Are you a ghost?" he asked.  
  
She shook her head slowly. "No."  
  
"Are you still dead?"  
  
She laughed lightly at this. "Yes."  
  
"Are you real?"  
  
Her expressioned saddend slightly. "No."  
  
"Where are you?" he asked tiredly.  
  
She gave him an annoyed look. "We go over this every time."  
  
He smirked at her. "Indulge me. You're my manifestation, go over it one more time."  
  
~~~~~  
  
Just before the thunder roars  
  
I sense you next to me  
  
And as I move through nature  
  
I know where you will be  
  
So I must keep myself apart, here is where I'll stay  
  
With a bell, book, and candle to keep your ghost away  
  
`  
  
Keep your ghost away, keep your ghost away  
  
I need a bell, book, and candle to keep your ghost away  
  
~~~~~  
  
She looked just as beautiful as she had that last day he'd spoken with her. The day she walked away. It was the way he always thought of her when he wasn't trying to recreate their time together. He couldn't think of her the way she had looked at the end, frail and insane, an empty shell of the powerful witch she had once been.  
  
She was the more painful of the reasons he was still sane after so many years surrounded by the Dementors she had feared so much.  
  
He'd kill Peter for James and Lily.  
  
He'd slaughter every death eater he could get his hands on for her. Because they hadn't just killed her. They had destroyed her.  
  
~~~~~  
  
The blue around the morning moonThe colour of your eyes  
  
I remember holding you  
  
Fall through summer skies  
  
You're everything that I've become, every word I say  
  
I need a bell, book, and candle to keep your ghost away  
  
********  
  
Author's Note: I don't own any of this but the yet unnamed woman is mine. Sirius is my very favourite character, and I love this song by Eddie Reader. It's called "Bell, Book and Candle". I'm using it to sort of illustrate the angst and saddness involved in seemingly all of Sirius's relationships. All of the chapters are going to have song titles that I think sort of fit with the theme of the chapter. What do you think? 


	2. If I Can’t Have You

`  
  
Twelve Grimmauld Place. Most people hardly realised it was there. And they had no idea how huge the house actually was, crushed in-between two other buildings.  
  
This was the destination of a particularly lovely sixth year at a certain, very private, school of learning. She took a final drag from her cigarette before snubbing it out on the doorframe of the house and let herself in. The girl was Gretchen Lestrange, the baby sister of the notorious death eaters Rodolphus Lestrange and his wife Bellatrix.  
  
Despite her colourful family history, Gretchen was not a death eater, nor was she likely to become one. She said it was because she thought the mark of belonging to the club was terribly ugly, but one current occupant of Grimmauld Place knew it was because Gretchen didn't believe Voldermort could ever beat Albus Dumbledore. He frequently taunted Gretchen that she was the most deservingly placed Slytherin of their year, because everything she did was in her own self interest, including her "playing both sides" of the wizarding war.  
  
Gretchen let her long heavy fur coat drop to the ground the second she shut the door behind her. A moment later, the stylish black leather jacket she wore underneath it dropped down to join it. She ignored the house elf who picked it up for her and went straight back to the kitchen instead of stopping to kick "the vile little monster" as she'd dubbed him.  
  
A bowl of apples sat in the middle of the table. She picked the nicest apple out of the bowl and sunk her teeth into it. "SNOTFACE!" she yelled through her full mouth. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? I'VE BEEN HERE AN ENTIRE SODDING MINUTE AND I HAVE YET TO SEE YOU!"  
  
Regulus slid into the kitchen in the exact way Gretchen despised. "Why, hello Kitten!" he said, almost purring. "I didn't expect you to show up so quickly after school let out for holiday. But it's quite a pleasant surprise, all the samne. You are looking lovely today."  
  
She glared at him. "Shut your gob, Reg," she snapped. "I don't need you drooling all over my leg. I'm not here to see you- I'm never here to see you. It's my bad luck that I have to see you at all." She turned slightly back to the door of the kitchen. "WHERE IN THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU, YOU SODDING GIT?"  
  
He rolled his eyes at her. "Why do you insist on fraternizing with my disappointment of a brother? You do realise you're better than him?" Gretchen rolled her eyes and refused to respond. "I know you don't really enjoy being around his pathetic mudblood friends, but people do talk, all the same."  
  
She glared at him. "Who talks?" she challenged in that dangerous way only a Lestrange could pull off. Her mastery of this tone and look were what kept her high in the food chain within her circle of peers at Hogwarts. The malice dripping off of her tongue obviously frightened Regulus, who had once before found himself on the receiving end of the Lestrange temper. "If you're starting these rumours, Regulus, I will hurt you in a very tremendous way."  
  
"OI!" someone shouted from upstairs.  
  
"WHAT?" she yelled back.  
  
"GET UP HERE!"  
  
She rolled her eyes and walked out of the kitchen. "WHERE IS HERE?" she demanded, quite irritated.   
  
"JUST GET UP HERE AND LEAVE REG DOWN THERE!"  
  
She made it to the second story landing when Sirius appeared from almost nowhere and grabbed her by the wrist. He pulled her into his room and pushed her over to the bed. She stumbled and tripped over her plat-formed feet, falling gracelessly onto the bed.  
  
"Sirius Black!" she snapped.  
  
"Gretchen Lestrange!" he mocked. "Just wait there," he commanded as he disappeared briefly down the hall. When he returned, he quickly locked the door and practically pounced on Gretchen. "Hello, pet," he murmured several minutes later when their hello kiss finally ended.  
  
She smiled at him, taking a bite out of the apple that was still in her hand. "Hello yourself," she said easily. "Now, if my other cousins greeted me like that, I'd go to every death eater meeting without hesitation."  
  
"Oh, come on!" he exclaimed, rolling his eyes in annoyance. "We're very distant cousins... for pure-bloods. I don't know why you keep mentioning it."  
  
She rolled her eyes in return. "I don't 'keep mentioning it.' And I don't know why it bothers you so much when I do!" she said, getting up and walking across the room. "It's practically written in the Slytherin bi-laws that you have to date within your own family if you want to keep from being ridiculed and shamed. I mean Narcissa and Lucius are much more closely related than we are and they don't seem to mind."  
  
"Are you jealous of her?" Sirius demanded.  
  
Gretchen looked offended at the meer suggestion. "Of course not! I'm just saying is all. Cissa doesn't mind, and all purebloods are related anyway."  
  
"Well, I'm not Lucius Malfoy," he countered. "Nor am I a Slytherin."  
  
She pouted. "I know! And it's dreadfully boring for me... sitting in my common room... listening to prattle about that damn Potter and his bloody mudblood friends... it's all I can do to keep from laughing at some of the stunts you pull!" She looked slightly depressed at that. "And that would be terribly awful... Narcissa would tattle and Bellatrix would come down on me again. You know, for a sister-in-law, she sure is a bitch."  
  
Sirius laughed and pulled her back over to sit on the bed. "You could always avoid her all Christmas by staying here," he pointed out.  
  
"And spend my time dodging Reg?" she demanded incredulously. "I think not, my boy! I'd rather put a growing serum in Bellie's tea... or scotch. Or maybe just poison. Faster that way."  
  
Sirius laughed at her. "Why do you always call her 'Bellie?' It sounds so rediculous!"  
  
Gretchen smirked. "It's cos it makes her think I'm calling her fat. Which I'm not really, but she hates it so much I just can't help myself. It's like calling you Snotface, I just have to do it."  
  
He pulled her closer and kissed her lightly. "Stay here," he whispered onto her lips. "We never get to see each other at school."  
  
"We do see each other," she said in quiet protest.  
  
"Not like this. The second we get back to school, you turn into a bitch and hang around with your stupid Slytherin friends. And I hate all of your friends, then you hit me for being mean to them even when they deserve it." He ran his fingers lightly over her cheen and then back into her hair. "Come on! Stay here."  
  
She moaned in protest slightly. "I can't," she said, obviously not meaning it.  
  
He kissed her again. "Just until New Years," he ammended.  
  
"But we're going back to Hogwarts at New Years," she said, only slightly registering what she was saying.  
  
He smiled wickedly. "Oh, are we?"  
  
She shrugged. "I don't remember," she admitted. He kissed her again and she nodded when he broke away. "Alright," she finally agreed. "I'll stay." She stopped him before he could kiss her again. "But only if you promise not to act like a jerk when we get back to school."  
  
He laughed. "When am I a jerk?"  
  
"With Severus." He glared at the mention of the name. "I know you don't like him, but he's my friend!" she protested. "Promise not to be a jerk when we go back to school or I leave."  
  
He looked away from her and muttered. "I promise."  
  
"Do you promise?"  
  
"I said I promise!" he exclaimed, very annoyed.  
  
"Three times you promise," she reminded him.  
  
He nodded slowly. "I promise."  
  
She smiled happily and kissed the end of his nose. "Good. I'll stay." 


	3. Love Hurts

"Severus!" came the familiar whine in Potions. "_Severus_, come help me!"  
  
Most of the class blocked out the pitiful cry for help from the most spoiled girl in their year. They called her The High Princess of Slytherin, and it was a title a few of the other girls in Slytherin House Secret envied, but they weren't as rich or feared as Gretchen Lestrange, so they bared it with snarls and muttered insults. The whining wasn't horrible, it was the preferred to her two different calls. One was whining, the other was a high-pitched, shrieking demand and was sure to crack glass one day.  
  
One of the few people who paid attention to the call aside from Severus Snape was Sirius Black. He was at his cauldron across the room and scowled as he watched Gretchen smile when Severus helped with her potion.  
  
"Severus, come over here and stick your ugly nose in my cauldron," he muttered mockingly. "Drag your greasy hair through it as well, I don't mind."  
  
James snickered at his annoyance. "You promised her you wouldn't act like a jerk," he reminded him. "She'll classify this as being a jerk."  
  
He rolled his eyes. "I need some time off. I have been the paragon of sweetness for three months," he muttered bitterly.  
  
"No you haven't!" Remus laughed. "Or have you forgotten that black eye she gave you over Valentine's?"  
  
"That was _not_ my fault!" he protested. "I simply forgot it was Valentine's Day."  
  
"Yeah, and mixed it up with April Fools." Sirius glared down at James. "I'm sorry, but you're the one dating Gretchen 'Fuck Me Over, I'll Fuck You Up' Lestrange. You should know better than to forget Valentine's."

Remus raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh, come on! Exploding little animals don't count as gifts for Valentine's."

"You clearly don't understand my relationship with Gretchen."

"And you're clearly an idiot," he retorted.

"Not clearly..." he mutter. "Vaguely, maybe."

Potions ended with little more irritation. The Marauders decided to take their lunch out for a little picnic in the Forbidden Forest. When they decided to make their way back into the castle, they caught sight of Gretchen as she got out of Divination.  
  
It was clear she noticed them as well.  
  
"I think she's cross with you," Remus said as they watched her across the open corridor.  
  
Sirius shook his head. "Naw. You'll know when she's cross."  
  
"Yeah, she hits you," James snickered.  
  
He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, when she's really cross. But she usually warns you with this little thing she does. See, first she'll ask some stupid little question. Then–when I naturally answer wrong–she answers with this snippy little 'apparently' that goes up at the end that makes it sound like she's only mildly annoyed."  
  
"Then after that she hits you," James added.  
  
He shook his head. "Sometimes I guess why she's angry."

"Yeah. _Then _she hits you."  
  
When she reached them, without even a greeting, Gretchen slapped Sirius smartly across the face.  
  
He glared down at her. "What the hell?" he snapped. "I didn't do anything!"  
  
"Oh, didn't you?" she demanded in return.  
  
"NO!"  
  
She glared in return, crossing her arms across her chest. "Why don't you think very hard? Did anything of interest happen while I was away over Easter holidays?" she demanded, her voice rising in pitch and volume. "Something that you should tell your sodding girlfriend so she doesn't look like a prat in front of EVERYONE?"  
  
He chuckled helplessly. "Oh!" he said, trying very unsuccessfully to play it off. "That! I thought you were talking about... something else."  
  
"SOMETHING ELSE?" she shouted. "SOMTHING ELSE?! WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS THERE?"  
  
"Well, you know... you get bored on the weekends... And you're psychic. Why don't you tell me?"  
  
As it clearly wasn't the time for joking, Sirius spent the rest of the day in the infirmary. Madam Pomfrey insisted his jaw wasn't broken, but most of his molars were loose. Gretchen didn't speak another word to him for the rest of the year, and just as she was about to forgive him, Sirius played a nasty trick on Severus Snape that landed him in the infirmary for another day.

Remus and James started a pool betting on when A) Gretchen would speak to Sirius again, if ever and B) Gretchen would break up with Sirius via owl.  
  
Though heavily contested, Remus won the pool.


End file.
